


Don't Leave Me

by sinsajo



Series: 30 Day Dark OTP Challenge [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Death, Guess who actually has no soul, Im horrible at the titles for this challenge, M/M, Suicide, in which I am evil and make Tavros suffer so much, it made me tear up, it me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-09
Updated: 2014-10-09
Packaged: 2018-02-20 12:39:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2429132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinsajo/pseuds/sinsajo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He just wished he could have told him how much he loved him.<br/>------<br/>In which I'm horrible and provide a major character death as I attempt to write sadstuck.<br/>Human!stuck; 30 Day Dark OTP Challenge: Death fic/ grief.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Leave Me

**Author's Note:**

> TW: It's all about suicide. I hope I make you feel even a little bit sad.

 

You're still clutching the note in your hand so tightly it became a ball in your fist.

You were in Gamzee's living room, back resting against the wall as you simply looked into the carpet, your breathing far too shallow, eyes wide and frozen. You couldn't move. Not anymore. At least you managed to call for help before becoming catatonic.

You finally take a deep breath and feel as if your lungs ached from the lack of oxygen you were forcing upon them, and tears began to fall down your face uncontrollably, the heavy drops beginning to fall on your pants' legs. You shook your head in denial. You looked to your hand gripping the note through the glassy water clouding your vision and pursed your lips tightly.

You unwrapped the paper for the tenth time, and read through the lines as if you wanted to feel that hollow pit at the base of your stomach again. As if you longed to feel some pain. You thought you deserved the worst pain in the world right now.

"Dear Tavros," It began, and you opened your mouth in a silent cry as you bent over your stomach, feeling as if someone had delivered a merciless blow right there. You didn't want to read this again. You force yourself to.

"If you're reading this thing it means I ain't kicking no more." It kept going, and you almost laughed humorlessly at the stupid irony in that. He probably had been kicking. You just didn't get there on time to see it. "I ain't feeling any kind of good about fucking leaving without saying a proper goodbye." You took a deep breath after you wiped your running nose with the back of your hand, licking your lips and tasting their saltiness before you whispered the next words as you read them.

"So I guess Goodbye, brother. I wish I was motherfucking strong or brave enough to see you again at least one more fucking time before I do this shit. I guess that's too late now, huh?" You pause, swallowing thickly before muttering the next set of words a bit louder. "I still wanted you to know I fucking love you. I really love you, Tavros. Take care of yourself, aight?."

You balled up the note and threw it aside angrily, beginning to cry louder than before, a deep frown setting on your face as you moaned and rocked your body.

"Fuck!" You hit the back of your head on the wall right behind you on purpose, and covered your face with your hands. Why. That was the only word in your head. Why? Why you of all people? Did he expect _you_ to find him like that? what made him think you were strong enough for that?! You slammed your head back again. You definitely weren't strong enough for this.

Why did he have to finally confess he loved you when you wouldn't have a chance at telling him you felt the same way? The thought tightens your chest. He would never know now. You wonder if it would have made a difference if you had told him you loved him. Wonder if he wouldn't have killed himself. You felt guilt start to spread inside you like bitter poison.

You sat there for a minute more, looking at nothing in particular, trying to remember if he had even given out a clue that he was nursing those kind of self destructive thoughts. Wondered if he had tried to communicate his pain in any other way that wasn't words. You couldn't come up with anything. You should have paid more attention. You should have asked how he was feeling more often. Should have thought about his feelings instead of focusing on your own.

You begin to stand up from the floor, feeling you legs heavy. Feeling exhausted. Overwhelmed.

You realized the ambulance would be there any minute. You guessed it made no sense for them to come now. You decided you wanted to see his face at least one more time before they arrived.

You hesitantly made your way to his room and opened the door you had slammed shut out of fear of something you couldn't really pin point. You stepped inside slowly, taking a few seconds before allowing your eyes to look over the bedroom's floor, finally seeing Gamzee's lifeless body on the ground. You held on to the door as if you were going to faint, digging your nails into the wood, trying to calm your breathing. You didn't' want to do this. You felt like you just _had_ to.

You walked towards his body as slowly as you could manage, and once you were close enough, you dropped to your knees and fixed your stare on his face. You had been the one to close his eyes. You had been terrified when you saw they had been wide open. You briefly tried to imagine what it would feel like to be wide awake as you slowly felt as your life drained out of your body.

And now he looked almost like he was asleep. You wanted to pretend he was asleep like you had done even after cutting the rope and laying him down on the floor to close his eyes, denial forcefully taking control over you, making you shake him and call out his name almost too calmly as if you were just trying to wake him up from a stubborn nap. You had done that for almost a minute before the strong denial began to fade away a little, and you choked on your tears as you began to check his pulse right where the rope had been strangling him. There was a growing bruise right there around his throat. You pressed your fingertips to his flesh and waited to feel something, anything, but didn't feel even the lightest beat. Your hands were shaking. You weren't sure if you could trust them.

You began to sob as you realized you would have to bring your ear to his chest to make sure. Hearing his heartbeat had always been an easy thing to do when you hugged him.

You tried to swallow the glass shards in your throat as you forced yourself to bend down. You were panicking. You really didn't want to do that. You knew what you would hear. You didn't want to hear it. The lack of sound.

You finally pressed your head to his chest, placing it over the spot where his heart rested. You closed your eyes and waited, biting down on your lip hard until you pierced the skin and drew blood, and you weakly tried to punch his chest with your fists out of anger, out of frustration, out of despair. There was no heartbeat. He was dead.

 

Now you looked at his empty face with a sad smile, not thinking he looked peaceful in the slightest way. He just looked lifeless. Empty. You could feel your senses tell you he was dead as if you didn't already know. It was just so obvious with him so close. It was way too easy to tell the difference.

You bent down over him and kissed his chest, resting your forehead against him for just a moment. He still felt comfortingly warm to your touch. You leaned away and focused on his face again. You leaned down and kissed his cheeks, kissed his forehead, kissed his nose, breathing over his face as you began to whimper again, and finally kissed his lips softly. You wished you could have done that when he was alive. You wished you could have heard him chuckle or giggle at the kiss like he would probably do, before hopefully pulling you into a deeper kiss.

You left another chaste peck on his lips before you straightened up, and you began to pet his head, began to run your hands through his hair, minding the knots even if it wouldn't hurt him if you pulled. That made you choke on your own air again.

"Gamzee..." You whispered to him, caressing his face with your knuckles softly. "I... love you too, you know?" You told him with difficulty as you nodded, hearing the ambulance sirens begin to get dangerously close to the apartment building. "I just, wanted you, to know."

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to sadstuck.


End file.
